These precious moments…

It’s Monday, and I am in my final week of this quarter.  I am behind, and exhausted.  We had a hard weekend.  My very fit, very healthy, very young brother-in-law was hospitalized and diagnosed with advanced stage cancer.  This is not the post I had planned for today.  The hubby and I spent Saturday hunting down an Eleventh Doctor costume for an event we going to attend on  Sunday.  Yes, we are geeks.  No we will not be returning it.  We are geeks, we will find somewhere else to be geeks. But I had hoped to post silly pictures of adults not adulting, at a dress up tea party in Winchester, VA.

Saturday night, he was disgruntled at the time it took to pin down all the pieces and how we ended up in Mananas. Like, whoever wants to go to Manassas? Though they have stepped up the mall quite a bit.  I think I will cherish the silliness of it forever.  It’s the calm before the storm we did not know was coming.  That makes it slightly more precious.  In all the world, I would have never expected my sister-in-law’s teary voice to convey upon us such a mortalizing moment. My birth family lives rather intensely. (Horses, right?That’s just the tip of that iceberg!)  This is not my first brush with cancer.  This is not my first brush with cancer this year.

This is my first brush with someone so young.  He is not just our compatriot, he is our younger brother.

Most likely needless to say, my diet accountability ditched me somewhere along 495. Probably the same place where my lady-like composure flew out the window and my past career in construction showed back up very verbally. I am a stress eater.  The higher the stress, the deeper the Ben & Jerry’s.  It seems funny, but it’s not.  Trips up 495 are going to become a common thing in the next few months and I have to find proper nutrition for the road ahead.  Though my sister-in-law needs this more right now, it is very true that you cannot pour from an empty cup.  Part of my exhaustion is due to the amount of carbs I ate yesterday.  That was obvious after I rode and felt loads better…or maybe that’s just the magic of the ponies.

I cannot promise, but I believe that I will write twice this week.  I really want to tackle the changes in balance I experienced as I gained and lost weight.  I also have exciting, though expensive news regarding Trisha.  She is excelling in her work, mostly because she is an amazing horse.  But this means that her withers and shoulders are growing, and my wide saddle does not fit any longer. I need a wider wide saddle.

Somewhere along 66 or 495 as we wound our way up to Baltimore this weekend,while we talked about family and life, and wild tragedies,  my husband said “all of this is precious.”  Every single breath is precious.  Every moment.  When you hug your family, or kiss your horse, remember that each second is something special. Seize it and hold it close. Be grateful for our blessings.

Outta the shell

Hello World.

Odd that even in writing a blog, the hardest part is where to start.  I am plus-sized, I always have been, as far back as I can remember.  God didn’t create these hips and these ta-tas to be a size 0. I am a plus-sized rider, and while I have been kicking around starting a blog the title of this menagerie came through a conversation I had with a friend a few months back. I have recently relocated back to NoVA from coastal GA. My husband and I seem to yo-yo between the two areas.  I have was having some issues with the presentation of my trainers new program, and was nervous about approaching her about it (that was dumb, because she’s awesome.) During this mini-crisis, I asked my friend about other trainers in the area and who she recommended.  My friend really has a finger on the pulse of what’s-what in the horse industry in NoVA.  She recommends this woman, and I check out the lady’s website.  Her barn is amazing, the pictures are fantastic, and her references and working student experiences makes any girl who read Horse Crazy mags in the 90’s sparkle with anticipation.

My heart immediately plummets.  This woman would never let me on the property, much less on the back of a horse.  So I told my friend that I would look into it, but one of the things I love about my trainer is that she doesn’t demean me for the RWF- riding while fat.  Because in our sport, it’s almost a crime.  Frankly, I am 36 now, and I have zero patience to give trying to fight someone else’s negativity.

I have been planning on writing a blog for several reasons, but the main is accountability.  I have been on a health journey for well over a year now.  It’s been filled with the normal highs and lows, and lots of research and frustration.  I am down 30 lbs from my heaviest, and the direction that journey has pushed me towards includes getting my masters in nutrition. I stayed away from doing so for years-who is going to listen to a fat nutritionist?-but I got over myself (and others, please note above). I am harping this statement accountability because this is not another body positivity blog.  I do not like being fat, and I do not like being sick.  And I was sick, things like “diabetic” and “depressed” floated around in my medical file. There are enough places you can go to get your “I am fabulous” fix.  The very first place should be in your own heart and mind.  I can tell you from experience, you will never get anywhere until you get the fact you’re really kind of special in your own heart and mind. I am still kinda wonderful, even if I don’t want to be fat.  Even if I don’t want to be unhealthy. Calories-in/Calories-out is a MYTH.  So is macro-nutrient restriction.  I am living proof of this.

But, I will broach the body positivity universe this once.  Please think about yourself.  It has taken hundreds of thousands of humans to make you.  You are the culmination of years of love, dedication, and sex.  So don’t ever think you are deficient in the sexy qualifier–you were born that way.  It’s biological.  Your body is a gen n of your family line, by now it’s already built to be a pretty fine system.  If you are finding yourself in a situation, as I was, where your finely honed system is going haywire, don’t hate your body.  It’s the holder of your soul for this space and time, and if it’s misbehaving, there is a reason.  I felt trapped in my body, and I am pretty sure my body felt overwhelmed by me.  We are communicating better now, but there is still a long way to go.  You are welcome to come with me.


Post-script:  I never did visit the farm that my friend suggested.  Who knows?  Maybe they would have been great.  I worked everything out with my trainer, and pony is doing awesome!